Dealing With Emotions

Reuel S. Amdur

On May 23, Connexions Resource Centre provided a virtual link to a presentation by Village Parent, which held a session on an aspect of parenting, “Dealing with Big Emotions.”  Crying, screaming, hitting, fighting.

Triggers may be any of a variety of things.  Children yelling at each other, messiness, not wanting to go to sleep, upset in a store or on the way to daycare.  What do you do?  According to Village Parent’s Andréanne Legault, the most important thing is to address your own reaction and how you feel and act.  After all, you are the adult.

The parent needs to prepare for emotional outbursts before they occur.  You need to remember how to feel.  This means focusing on bodily sensations such as breathing exercises and calming.  Such preparation includes exploring emotions, encouraging communication, and labelling the needs.

A child’s behaviour is the expression of emotion.  It is the expression of emotion and the top of an inverted pyramid, the outcome of feelings.  These are based on needs, which are the result of thoughts and beliefs.

Without help, the child may not be able to overcome big emotions.  Legault explains the problem in terms of brain development.  Up to three years old, the child has no regulation and no impulse control.  He cannot respond to verbal cues when stressed.  Therefore, reassuring will not work.  Try hugging, for example.

Up to around 12, the child learns how to contain and identify feelings and begins to develop impulse control.  For this child, emotions are dangerous and needs help in regulating them.   Beyond that age, rational thinking develops, along with empathy, self-regulation, ability to collaborate, and to problem-solve.  With a child of that age, reasoning may play a bigger role.

With big emotions as with other matters of parent-child relationships, the keys are collaboration rather than domination, communication rather than coercion, and connection rather than coercion. 

She mentioned a number of calming measures, for example, with lighting, dim or coloured.  Then there are sounds—soft music, nature sounds, whispering, humming.  Touch is also important.

Legault also emphasized that a good parent makes mistakes, such as yelling.  However, she said, “When we are aware, we can repair.”